Strange are ways of mind, and strangest is the way we follow it despite of our so-called strong will. Most of the times like a puppet we dance, according to its tunes. Happy…elated…satiate...mind says and we really feel that. Sad, mad and bad mind warns and we believe that. Closing eyes to the most obvious things we let ourselves go and flow towards the rush of mind.
This piece has no significant reason to write and no pressure of writing the best, or no intention of gaining the attention. One of those blue moods when you want to talk, or just babble irrespective of whether some one is listening or not. Thoughts as simple and as complicated as they start rushing in and out. When everything seems so perfect and calm, a bolt of these thoughts takes you off guard. And like a vulnerable child you start questioning…questions of no reasoning, nothing intellectual, simple like we used to ask when we were kids. Bolted closely the lid of our simplicity and innocence we pretend and start believing ‘I am matured enough. Things don’t bother me. I am not a kid to get affected.’ But tell you honestly I do, it kills me sometimes not to behave like a child. What the hell if it sounds so uncanny or so unimportant? But the fact is yes I want to be pampered like a child, yes I want to act foolish think what you think.
‘Caravan Gujar gaya gubbar dhekhte rahe….’. Means we are destined to be losers at the end of the day? Our sweat, dreams, happiness, aspirations come to the stage where we turn and repent? The most ordinary things of life start bothering so much that you feel pain in the chest, a real pain irrespective of the fact whether it comes on the ECG or not. Right we are not mentally sick but don’t we feel like mad sometimes? Feel solace in insanity? When I see these so called insane people I wonder…aren’t they saner than us?
No its not some kind of insecurity, it is simply living like what we are! It is like brooding over things which may not exist physically, but there presence is felt every moment, like a shadow hovering in the background. You can’t be the best, still you try to be one? Proving every time, to this or that or trying too hard is taxing very very Herculean at times. What happens when you see your beliefs crumbling in front of your eyes? How you react when dreams shatter bit by bit, piece by piece? You shout? You cry? You bang your head? Yes? If it is yes then you are fighting, fighting to hold the situation in your grip. But what if you stop reacting? Simply coil and go to your shell? Feel dead in your cocoon. This is what is worst than dead. Living like a zombie. Falling deeper into the ditch of depression. What is needed then? A bag full of medication? Or a heart where you can lie all your fears. A hand which is strong enough to hold, or simply an assurance that ‘don’t worry I am here and nothing is going to be wrong?’
Have you ever felt yourself groping…for the shadows…in distance? Groping to take support. You just can not stand on your own! You need something to cling on, you need to shout, you are desperate to call…but pity is you can not. Strength is lost. That’s the time when you expect that someone that something understands your silence and hold you tight. Is it asking too much? Is being vulnerable, foolish? If you are not burning that doesn’t mean there is no fire. You need to ignite that fire. It works only till you realize but you simply turn into soot when you lose the sense of this burning fire.
Just some rants…in one of those blue moods.